Tonight in my cold loneliness
I read my words to you
Written so long ago.
(I had forgotten how long ago.)
They were like embryos
Grown and gone away into another land.
I held them in my heart
And cried for the lost children,
The shadowed mantel
I have draped around your light,
And for the black blindness of my wanderings
Lost to love and sight.
I wanted then to leave my shallow shell
And lie exposed in the dark snow
Until I could be no more.
How did I think that I could walk this world without you?
The bitter knife of my stupidity
Has torn your heart and mine.
Closeness closed me
And the sun deserted me
And left me husk and safe.
It is so easy to be safe.
To lock the door and hide under the bed
Instead of opening upon it.
Forgetting how hurt spreads outward,
Escaping under wood and key
To poison pure air.
Asleep in a cloud of unknowing
I have missed your dreams.
Twisted inside of my skin
I have missed your touch.
Safe inside of my shell
I have missed your mystery.
Tonight in my cold loneliness
I saw a fire in a forest,
An ocean glittering with sun,
A candle burning by a jar of roses
And warm spring in your eyes.
